A Collection of Memories
by redtrouble
Summary: Shepard wakes up from an attack and, as she patrols her ship, is filled with vivid memories of Kaidan Alenko and their time together before and after her death. A one-shot Shenko fic. A/N: dead-eye is another way to say memory.


The grenade exploded behind the crate and rocked the ground. Saia Shepard lurched forward from the propulsion but quickly slammed her body back against cover. She glanced across the opening on her left to where Ashley Williams was firing at the geth from behind a rock formation. Shepard pushed on her toes and slid up, cautiously peering over the top of the crate.

There was an opening.

She straightened up and fired several bursts, dropping a geth soldier and chasing another into hiding. When the return fire came, she ducked again. Her gaze shifted right to check on her other companion and she was surprised to see Kaidan Alenko staring at her.

His brown eyes were softly focused on her, moving from her torso up to her eyes in one simple flick. She thought she saw the makings of a small smile at one corner of his mouth, and then his body lit up in a biotic storm and he threw his power over his cover and across the field, wrapping an enemy in energy and flinging it into its allies.

Shepard broke from the moment, not really sure how mere seconds had captivated her. She pushed over the top of the crate, then, and fired in bursts.

/

Shepard slowly opened her blue eyes and stared at the metallic ceiling above her. She was back from the Dead-Eye. It took a moment to orient herself and reality set in painfully. There was an intense throbbing in her skull under the mess of auburn hair. She squinted at the bright lights and slowly lifted her hand to her head.

"Uh…" she moaned. Her whole body ached. She tried to sit up and felt a shock of pain travel through her nervous system. "Too soon."

She slumped back down and exhaled. The painkillers had worn off and, clearly, no one was around to remedy it. She took a few deep breathes and returned to the Dead-Eye.

/

Shepard's blue eyes shot open and the blur of the medical bay swirled around her. The voice of Kaidan Alenko seemed far away, speeding closer as her brain shook off the effects of deep sleep.

"Doctor. Dr. Chakwas," Kaidan said. "I think she's waking up."

Shepard slowly sat up and swung her feet over the side of the bed. The sound of footsteps coming near her was annoyingly similar to thunderclaps. She glanced up at the gray-haired woman as she came around the bed and stood in front of her.

"You had us worried there, Shepard," she said. Her tone softened. "How are you feeling?"

"Minor throbbing," Shepard lied. Truth was that she felt like she'd been hit by a damn space station. "How long was I out?"

"About fifteen hours," the doctor replied. "Something happened down there with the beacon, I think."

Kaidan almost took a step closer.

"It's my fault," he insisted, concern edging his tone. "I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

Shepard shook her head ever so slightly. He was worried. It was… cute, almost.

"You had no way to know what would happen," she said and glanced back at him. His gaze moved somewhere else and the corners of his mouth tipped up in a slight smile. Shepard felt her heart dance a little. Weird.

The chat was interrupted, but the memory was blurred. Captain Anderson's words no longer seemed important. When she was left to her devices, she headed out of the medical bay and into the mess hall on the way to the bridge. Kaidan was shuffling nearby, throwing glances her way near nervously as she approached.

"Commander, I'm glad to see you're okay…" he began. "Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew and… I'm glad we didn't lose you, too."

The memory that tried to press into her head was quickly pushed out.

"I wish I could've done something to save him," she admitted quietly. Knowing a good man had died under her watch was hard to live with. Being the lone survivor of Akuze gave people the impression she was used to dealing with loss, but it never got easier.

"I was there," Kaidan said. "You did everything right. It was just… bad luck."

Shepard studied his expression. It was soft, like his features. The brown eyes, dark hair, careful mouth. She was tall for a woman but he was taller than her and she felt… small next to him. He was new to her crew—or rather, she was new to his. In the few days they'd been aboard the Normandy headed for Eden Prime, they'd merely passed the other by. Now, as she got a good look at him, she found him attractive and strangely alluring.

"I'm wanted on the bridge." She was hesitant, feeling a strange desire to stay and talk with him more.

"Of course, ma'am," he said gently. The way he spoke, for something said so simply, was sexy. She paused before she left and her eyes lingered on him a little too long.

/

Shepard hobbled past Dr. Chakwas' desk, noting the time on the clock. It was the middle of the night and she suspected the skeleton crew would be manning the combat command center, not the crew deck. As she shuffled toward the door and it slid open, the sense of being alone overwhelmed her.

The level was dark with the exception of runner lights creating a guiding path and auxiliary panels in the kitchen. Her crewmates were asleep or patrolling other parts of the ship. She knew that. But when she came out of the medical bay and eyed the empty mess hall, she felt a prick in her heart.

/

The Citadel overlook was breath-taking at night. The lights that sparkled beyond were many and brilliant. Cars zoomed overhead and the magnitude of the Citadel station was overwhelming.

"Big place…" Kaidan muttered, and Ashley narrowed her gaze on him.

"That your professional opinion, sir?" she asked.

"This isn't a station, it's a city," Shepard remarked, unable to draw her eyes away.

"There must be millions here," Kaidan said. "It can't be possible to track everyone coming and going."

Shepard nodded.

"This makes Jump Zero look like a porta-john, and it's the largest deep-space station the Alliance has," Ashley added.

"Jump Zero was big," Kaidan agreed, leaning onto the balcony, "but this is a whole 'nother scale. Look at the ward arms. How do they keep all that mass from flying apart?"

Ashley leaned to the left, trying to see what Kaidan was talking about.

"The Council represents more races than I thought. No wonder they're careful with newcomers," Shepard mumbled. Kaidan pushed off of the railing and momentarily looked at Shepard.

"They probably just wanna keep everything running," he said. "It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together."

"Or maybe they just don't like humans," Ashley interjected. Shepard eyed her and Kaiden propped himself on the railing again.

"Why not?" she asked. "We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love… According to the old vids, we have everything they want."

"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you," Kaidan said. He immediately pushed himself upright. "I mean, us," he corrected. "Humans. Ma'am."

Ashley gave him a look, one slender brow raised.

"You don't take much shore leave, do you, L-T?"

Shepard withheld a smile.

"Alright, laugh it up, Chief," she said to Ashley. Then, to Kaidan, her tone softened a little. "I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here."

He met her gaze.

"Um, aye, aye, ma'am," he responded.

Ashley glanced from her lieutenant to her commander and noticed they were still looking at each other. She hid her smirk.

"I'll walk drag ma'am," she said.

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged eyes once more and they were off.

/

The sound of the space station faded into the hum of the ventilation shaft as Shepard shuffled along the pathway toward the elevator. As she rounded the corner, the mess hall disappeared behind her and another memory came walking in from the front.

/

Shepard felt her heart twirl a little when she saw Kaidan coming around the corner, heading to the mess from the elevator. He smiled as they passed by each other and she felt her lips contorting into the same shape. His voice stopped her, whirled her around.

"You already eat, Commander?" he asked. She nodded.

"Just finished," she admitted, and wished she'd waited longer so that she could've had dinner with him. She was the commander; she didn't really need a reason to talk to her crew. But protocol was against romantic involvement and she was treading thin ice.

Kaidan nodded, accepting it but no less disappointed.

"It's too bad," she said, inching backward. "I like talking with you, Kaidan."

He looked up, hopeful. She'd crossed a line there, calling him by his first name. Up until then, it had always been Lieutenant or Alenko. Shepard knew she was breaking the rules—potentially—but she couldn't stop herself. She didn't really want to.

He cleared his throat and stepped closer to her.

"You, uh… make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?" he asked quietly. She quirked her brow.

"No," she said firmly, voice dancing with flirtatious vibrations. "No, I don't. We'll talk later."

"I'll, uh… I'll need some time to process that, Commander," he stuttered. "But, yeah… I'd like that."

She could hear the affection and intrigue in his voice. She wanted to stay with him and keep talking, but her feet turned her around and she walked off.

/

Shepard punched the button and called the elevator. She glanced over her shoulder toward the mess, almost as though she'd see him there, staring at her, watching her go. The hallway was still dark and empty. His voice was gone, replaced with the winding of the elevator.

She tipped face forward. Her forehead thunked against the wall and her eyes closed.

/

"I don't think I've ever met a woman like you," Kaidan said quietly.

They were alone, finally, taking the elevator. It was the longest elevator ride of her life since neither of them had pressed the button when they entered together.

"You haven't had the easiest life," Shepard replied. "But I like the man it's made of you."

"Please, Commander." He grinned. "You'll make me blush." Kaidan stepped closer to her and she could feel the heat on his skin. Resisting him at this point was hard. "No bull, Shepard. I wanna follow through with this. It's tough keeping it separated from duty…" He shifted his weight from one foot to the next, eyes briefly dropping below her neck. "But when the mission's complete, it'll be different."

He searched her blue eyes, waiting for a reply, but she was having trouble finding words. Lucky for her, he didn't notice her plight, and merely begged for confirmation. Then someone called the elevator and it began moving.

"I hope you feel the same," he said. "Ma'am."

She couldn't help but smile. He had no idea how flustered she got whenever he called her that, with all of the timid respect and restrained adoration she knew was boiling inside of him.

"That sounds nice," she said, and then her voice dropped to a whisper. "Careful, Lieutenant… you'll distract me from saving the galaxy."

"It'll take care of itself one of these days," he said, and then added, "or nights."

The elevator stopped moving and she realized, painfully, that his destination had been reached. She took a step back to allow him room to go. The tension tightening between them could've been hacked at by a diamond saw and still not severed.

"You're hard to step away from... ma'am," he said. He gave her one final boyish smile and the elevator doors whirred open.

/

Shepard's eyes shot open when the elevator dinged and the doors ratcheted apart. She pushed away from the wall and hobbled inside. The doors closed around her emptiness, confirming her pain with solitary confinement.

She fell back against the wall and rocked when the elevator began winding up. She'd spent endless hours imagining what they'd do on shore leave. A beach somewhere, maybe, secluded from civilization. A campsite in the woods. A cabin in the mountains. She saw them in places all across the galaxy, and he used to talk about the mission being over… about them being together. Finally.

Sometimes, Shepard swore his end-of-the-mission speech was code for quitting the Alliance, and she was ready for it if it meant they could be together. She would do all she could to save humanity and the galaxy, but afterward...

Afterward never fully came.

/

Only a few tears managed to escape when she knelt down at the lockers. Her jaw clenched in an effort to stop the flow of frustration and she never heard the footsteps coming toward her until they were right behind her. She snapped her head up to the left and met Kaidan's worried eyes.

"Commander, are you alright?" His voice masked pleading and she could tell he was concerned. Shepard slumped back against the lockers and gazed up at him. She pushed her auburn hair out of her eyes but couldn't pull on a look that said she was even remotely okay. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all, not the Council."

She knew his words were meant to be comforting, and she could appreciate his attempt at encouragement, but the truth was… he had it all wrong.

"Official channels are closed," Shepard informed him, resentment dripping from her tongue. "They were quite clear about that."

"Closed? And we're supposed to accept that?" he scoffed. "So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, might as well get a good seat."

Shepard pressed her palms into her forehead angrily, doing everything she could to control her temper.

"We'll think of something," she said, a little too harshly. After a moment, she calmed herself and added, "I just need to figure things out."

Kaidan shifted his weight.

"If I can be of any help, let me know. I hope I'm not out of line saying that."

Shepard peeked up at him from under her hands.

"You always this cautious with a sure thing?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, I always leave a way out, you know that." He crouched down next to her and she dropped her hands into her lap, wondering why he was still hesitating. "I'm here for you," he continued, "but we're in a rough spot and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." He sighed. "Like it's all that clear to start with… Are we the pride of the fleet, or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

Shepard was nodding in agreement before he even finished his sentence.

"I'm sick of it, too. Maybe we need to take a little initiative."

He smirked a little.

"You have something up your sleeve, Shepard?" he asked, standing up straight. She quirked a brow at him. "What am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo—appreciate about you."

"Galaxy in the balance and you trip talking to me…"

"I just need a little practice, is all," he said softly. "I think we've got some time."

Shepard's heart was pounding and she felt warm inside. She started to push herself to her feet when Kaidan stuck out his hand to help her up. She took the offer, feeling a tingling in her stomach by the contact. Sure, they'd touched before, but that was different—combat motions, at best. This was gentle, forbidden, and completely off the record. She was a soldier and fully capable of handling the best of the weapons on the field, but her hand in his felt small and almost delicate. She was his superior officer and, half the time, was the one saving his ass. But his firm grip made her feel like he was the one doing the protecting.

He pulled her up and one of two things happened: he miscalculated her weight or she underestimated his strength. She was yanked up with enough force to send her into his arms. She felt his strong shoulder under her hand, his hard chest brushing against hers, and the slight tickle of his breath on her cheek. Their eyes locked and it was like being caught in a gravitational pull. There was no stopping it.

Kaidan's gaze was firm, absolutely sure of what was about to happen, and his brows lifted coyly. Shepard leaned in and their eyes drifted closed, lips parted, and then—

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," Joker announced over the intercom. "I got a message from Captain Anderson."

Shepard and Kaidan were startled apart. Kaidan closed his eyes tight, biting back his irritation, and settled for an expression that revealed how utterly annoyed he was. Shepard just smiled at him as they stepped away from each other.

/

The elevator doors hissed open and Shepard limped out. Her lips were barely parted, still waiting for that kiss that had been interrupted. She crossed the hall to her cabin door and shuffled through the opened doors. They locked closed behind her.

She took her time going down the three small steps and crossed over to her bed. When she collapsed onto the softness, she inhaled the scent of the sheets. They were foreign. She'd slept in that bed a hundred times, but never with him.

When the Normandy SR1 was destroyed, the remnants of their love—the proof surrounding—was gone. This ship—the Normandy SR2—was a copycat, a fake version with memory triggers that reminded her just how miserable and dead she was inside.

In spite of the physical pain she felt, it was emotional anguish that caused her tears. She reached up and scooped a pillow into her face, wanting the feel and smell of the sheets she shared with him.

/

Shepard was staring at the monitor in front of her, zoned out and mind filled with the fear of what they were flying into. The doors slid apart and Kaidan walked in. She got to her feet but had nothing to say. She wasn't sure why he was in her room—complete protocol breech—but she was happy he was.

"Commander?" he began. She sighed and shrugged her shoulders.

"You probably shouldn't call me that." She grunted as he crossed the room to stand near her. "I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform."

He crossed his arms.

"Yeah, hell of a thing," he muttered. "We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard?" He started counting off their list of offenses with his fingers. "We've mutinied, stole a prototype warship. If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping." He threw his arms out. "We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

"I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet…"

He offered her a small smile.

"Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here," he told her. Her lips curved in joy and she felt comforted. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know… well," he stepped closer, "I've enjoyed serving under you."

Shepard moved an inch toward him, no room left in her for the frustration of holding back.

"Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago. Don't you think it's time to act like it?"

He reached up and brushed her auburn hair out of her eyes as he spoke.

"Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard. There are regs against fraternization."

She quirked a brow at him and he got the message—the look that said, you're kidding me, right?

"Yeah, I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges at our Court's Marshal." He nodded, brushed her hair back once more, and withdrew his hand. "You know what?" he said softly. "You're right… about everything. When I think about losing you… I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I… _we_ are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us." He watched her eyes looking into his, blue circles near-to-exploding with everything she felt. "Shepard… you make me feel… human."

"Stay with me tonight, Kaidan." Her words just came out before she even had time to consider them. He smirked.

"Is that an order, Commander?" he teased.

"Damn right," she replied, but the truth was that he made her feel like she could actually do what they were out to do—take on the universe and win.

He leaned closer as if to kiss her, but his concerns kept his mouth moving.

"This can't change anything, Shepard," he started, not really sure why he was saying it—like it really mattered at that point. "This is a good crew—the finest I've served with. I don't wanna mess it up."

"Do you really think that's possible?" she asked. "Like crossing the line now is really going to change anything. Things have already changed, Kaidan… and nothing's messed up. I don't know about you, but I couldn't go back even if I wanted to. For me… the point of no return was a long time ago."

He inhaled her presence and forgot why he ever held back.

"For me, too," he confessed.

She couldn't wait anymore. She pulled him close and kissed him hard. He immediately bent into the kiss, his strong arms instantly wrapping tightly around her. He hoisted her up and pressed against her. Their kisses were uncontrolled, hot and heavy and wet and breathless. Her fingers clawed at his back, gathering up rolls of spandex until she leaned back long enough to pull his shirt over his head and toss it to the floor.

He was ready to kiss her the moment she got it off of him. One hand dropped to the curves of her ass, the other supported her back as he dipped into her, overwhelmed and overwhelming. Her head fell back and his lips hungrily sought her throat as he pulled her into him, hips hard against hers that provoked a quiet moan. It drove him crazy. His fingers fumbled with her belt and the buttons of her pants. He would be grateful later that she wasn't wearing shoes.

He grabbed at her ass again the moment her pants dropped off of her. The lining of her underwear curving over her made him harder. Kaidan couldn't believe he was touching her this way. Sure, he'd thought about it plenty of times, and some nights it had been as vivid as though it were reality. But it was real then. She was giving herself to him.

He pulled at the edges of her panties, yanked them away so that he could touch her unhindered. He tucked his fingers under the curve of her butt, cupped the back of her thigh and pulled her leg up onto his hip, pulled her into him.

"Kaidan," she whispered, wanting nothing more than to say his name and have him hear it. In the darkness, in her bed, she'd said his name in her head, whispered it aloud, but it fell on silence. She hoped that all of her feelings could finally reach him just by saying his name and that he would know all the love she carried for him.

His guttural sigh in her ear sent a tingling straight down to between her thighs. Her fingernails sensuously raked across his bare sides, palms sliding down his hips, and then her hand found the front of his pants, rubbing up and down against his arousal. He groaned again, threw her free arm around his neck, and pulled her other leg up on him, lifting her easily off the ground. Her fingers worked his pants open and eagerly pushed inside, wanting to feel him, wanting him to be pleased.

"Shepard…" he moaned, and kissed her again. With one arm curved under her to support her weight, he snapped her bra loose and pulled it with her shirt over her head. Their lips locked together, hands seeking exposed flesh. They just wanted to feel each other, every bit.

Kaidan and Shepard dropped onto the bed and Shepard wriggled on top. With Kaidan flat on his back, she worked his pants off, unlaced his boots, and dumped them on the floor. Kaidan watched her crawl toward him. She looked beautiful in the darkness, caressed by the blue light of the monitor. Her eyes sparkled with the added luminescence. Her face hovered over his and they smiled at one another.

He wrapped one arm around her and reversed their positions. When their lips connected, so did the rest of their bodies.

/

Shepard opened her eyes and saw white. The pillow was still pressed to her cheek. For a moment, she could still smell him, but the harder she clung to it, the faster it went away. She sat up, kicked off her boots, and stood. Most of the physical pain had gone, to her relief.

She pulled off her shirt and wriggled out of her pants, letting the clothes fall where they may as she crossed the room, climbed the steps, and passed through the whizzing door into her bathroom. She punched the hot water button and felt steaming jets shoot out from the nozzle.

She doused her hair and ran her fingers through to make sure she was completely soaked. The echoes of Ilos and Sovereign's defeat played like faraway records. It was over so quickly, and, before there was any time for rest or recuperation, she and her crew were ordered to hunt down the remaining geth in the galaxy.

"So much for shore leave…" she muttered aloud, still a little resentful. It had been two years, but if they'd known things were going to happen the way they did… It just wasn't fair. She glanced at the door before she reached for her shampoo.

/

The door to the bathroom whirred open and Shepard smiled at the wall, knowing only Kaidan could be standing there. Her back was to him and she didn't turn around.

"Sneaking into the captain's quarters is one thing, but the shower, Lieutenant?" she asked. "There are regs…"

She glanced back at him. He was bare-chested, shirt in his hand, pants low on his hips, and leaning against the doorframe.

"A little late for protocol, don't you think, ma'am?" he asked, pushing off of the wall. He walked over to her, stood behind her. His hands lingered on her hips then moved to her stomach, head tucked next to hers. He hugged her close.

She tilted her head back and pressed the side of her head to his. The hot water soaked them, running down their bodies in quickened streams and steam filled the compartment.

"Mmm," she sighed. He turned her in his arms and stared into her eyes, affection brimming in smiling, chocolate orbs.

She pressed her fingers to his hard chest, intertwined them with his dark chest hair. He felt her fingertips gliding down his muscular body, across his hard abdomen of soft flesh over curving and firm muscles. He watched her dark lashes twitching as she studied—appreciated his body that he was once proud of because it was proof of long hours in an Alliance gym and on a battlefield; now, his ego swelled because she approved and he enjoyed pleasing her.

Because she pleased him. Everything about her pleased him. Her body was beautiful, but his adoration for her was so much more than that. She was a soldier, his commander, and the first time he ever laid eyes on her she wore the N7 armored uniform like a damn warrior god. Shepard was strong, fierce, passionate, and just. He couldn't love enough about her.

She leaned down and planted an open-kissed mouth on his chest, and her hot breath on his skin was exciting. He placed his hands on the sides of her head and held her close as she kissed him again.

"It's been a long time since I met a woman who, uh… makes me feel like… the way you do."

"You're a sweetheart, Kaidan," she replied, "and one of a kind… in the galaxy… and in my life."

He bent down and kissed her mouth passionately, hugging her naked form close to him.

/

Shepard turned the water off and yanked a clean towel from the wall-shelf. She dried herself off then scrubbed her hair with the cotton cloth, walking out of the bathroom and down the steps into the bedroom where her wardrobe was.

She felt small again, naked as she was. Exposed like that, with cool air clinging to her body, she felt wrapped in a never-ending and hollow cloak of space. She felt tiny in the large universe. It was unnerving, like she wasn't tethered, as if she could fly off, weightless, and disappear into the black.

Shepard squeezed her wet hair between folds of the towel and scrubbed her head one last time before she dropped it, opened her wardrobe, and began looking for something to wear.

/

Kaidan rolled over in bed and smirked at her naked body digging through her dresser drawers.

"Not yet," he said. "Come back to bed."

She glanced over at him and saw his smiling face behind his outstretched hand, still lying in the wrinkled sheets. It was so hard to resist.

"If we lounge in bed all day, the crew will wonder where the two of us disappeared to…"

"You're right," he surrendered, running his fingers through his bed-hair. They stared at each other in playful silence until he held out his hand again. She laughed and shook her head, but he insisted.

"What?" she wanted to know as she wandered over to him. "If I come back to bed, we'll never get out."

When she was close enough, he grabbed her arm and yanked her down into his arms.

"I know," he said. "It's a nice idea, isn't it?"

She cuddled up to him and sighed out his name.

"Kaidan…"

He softly stroked her back.

"I'm here for you, Shepard… no matter what happens."

"I know," she whispered, pushing up on her elbow. She kissed his lips. "That's how I know I can go on. No matter what happens in this universe, I can fight and stay strong."

She kissed him again and crawled out of bed. He watched after her, appreciating everything she was and everything she stood for. Shepard pulled on black, standard Alliance issue pants and shirt.

"You're beautiful, Commander," Kaidan told her. She flashed a grin at him, digging socks out of the drawer.

"For an Alliance soldier or a woman?"

"Yes, ma'am," he answered, "to both."

She laughed and dropped her socks.

"I give in," she said and slid into bed next to him.

"I'll catch you when you fall," he told her. "Always."

She searched his eyes.

"Where is all of this coming from so suddenly?" she wanted to know. Shepard was grateful for everything he said, but so many emotional statements worried her that he was anticipating something.

He brushed her auburn hair away from her face.

"I just don't want to leave anything unsaid, Shepard… We've been hunting down the geth—a task not without its risks. I don't want to take advantage of our time together, and I don't want to have any regrets in case Virmire repeats itself."

Shepard reached out and stroked his brow.

"Good. No regrets… Let's hold nothing back."

Kaidan pushed up onto his elbow and kissed her tenderly.

/

Shepard finished pulling her clothes on—the Cerberus uniform—and ran her fingers through her hair. If only that had been the case—no regrets. The truth? The truth was that they had held back. She never told him she loved him... the extent of what he meant to her. He never told her that he loved her either. And then the Collector attack blew them apart.

She died and it took two years for her to return to the land of the living. She couldn't imagine the torment he'd gone through, but she never stopped thinking about him.

"Kaidan," she whispered into the dark. "I thought you said you'd always be there…"

/

The aftermath of the Horizon incident was the last thing she expected to happen to her. The mechanic was raving at her to do something, to save the colonists taken by the Collectors.

"I didn't want it to end this way," Shepard said firmly. "I did what I could."

"More than most, Shepard," Garrus interjected, trying to comfort her. The mechanic slowly turned and eyed her.

"Shepard? Wait, I know that name…" he muttered. "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

Shepard started to sigh, but the new voice that entered the conversation nearly stopped her heart.

"Commander Shepard," Kaidan started, appearing from behind a generator. He was walking toward them, eyes locked on her. "Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." He glanced at the mechanic. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

Shepard was suddenly brimming with emotion ready to spill out of her, and she was thankful her back was to her crew so that they couldn't see her face. She wanted to run to him, embrace him, kiss him… but her feet were rooted to the ground and she was paralyzed. Her voice was trapped in her throat.

The mechanic muttered something and walked off, but neither Kaidan nor Shepard heard him. They were lost in a moment in time where only they existed. Kaidan walked over to her, stared down into her full, blue eyes… eyes just the way he remembered them.

"Shepard…" he began, and then pulled her into a hug. She held him hard, eyes shut tight.

"I missed you…" she whispered. After a moment, they stepped apart and his sorrowful expression gazed into hers.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did…"

"I was," she admitted. He didn't seem amused, or even relieved… he was unreadable. "How've you been…?" she asked hesitantly.

"That's all you have to say?" he scoffed. "You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?"

"No—" she tried to say, but he interrupted her.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?"

"I didn't do it on purpose, Kaidan, I _was_ de—"

"Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

"I was in a coma for two years while Cerberus rebuilt me, I—"

"I moved on," he told her, and she felt the first strike of pain in her heart. "At least… I thought I did. And you're… with Cerberus now? I can't believe the reports were right."

"Reports?" Garrus balked. "You mean you already knew?"

Kaidan glanced at his former turian comrade and then focused on Shepard again.

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead." He shook his head. "That you were working for the enemy."

Shepard was near pleading now, trying desperately to convince him not to hate her. She was blindsided by his appearance after she'd tried so hard to contact him, and she was taken aback that he was angry with her. She was horribly hurt that he'd said he moved on… even though she couldn't expect anything less.

"Cerberus and I want the same thing—to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them, Kaidan."

He stepped closer, anger building in his steps.

"You can't really believe that! We both know what Cerberus is like, what they're capable of." His jaw clenched and his voice dropped to a harsh whisper. "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive… that there was still a place for… us. But I never expected anything like this. I thought we had something, Shepard… Something real. I… I loved you."

Shepard felt the waterworks kick into high gear. She'd never had a problem controlling her emotions before, especially on the battlefield—even when there was a chance Kaidan was going to die. Nothing had been as uncontrollably painful as this was now. But her tears were laced with anger.

"You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

"I guess you found your way out, huh?" she hissed. He looked at her with eyes lost between rage and adoration.

"There's no way out with you…" he whispered. "Even for me."

She felt guilty for even saying it. Why did she even let her anger get the better of her? Shepard shook her head, trying to find words to say but she couldn't trust her voice not to tremble. Garrus stepped up.

"You saw it yourself, Kaidan," he said. "The Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they're working with the Reapers!"

"I want to believe you, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Do you think we're so easily fooled?" Shepard asked quietly.

"Damn it, Kaidan!" Garrus exclaimed. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!"

"Maybe… or maybe you're the ones not thinking straight."

"Kaidan, you know me," Shepard protested. "You know I'd only do this for the right reason. Help us, help me."

He leaned in close.

"I'm an _Alliance_ soldier," he insisted. "Always will be." He stepped back. "I've got to report back to the Citadel."

When he turned his back on her, she couldn't stop her mouth from blurting out words or tears from falling out of her eyes.

"Don't go, Kaidan."

"Goodbye, Shepard."

The pain in his heart as he walked off overrode the numbing effect of adrenaline. Once he was out of sight, he tilted his head back and slumped against the concrete side of a generator, wondering why he'd said those things, why he'd blurted out all of the words he didn't want to say. He was angry, sure, but not at her… He'd tried so hard to move on, but it hadn't happened. He'd lied—he'd never gotten over her. So why did he stumble over the love of his life and throw her away?

Shepard stood there like stone and stared at the empty place where he'd been standing. What had just happened? And why? Her crewmates behind her were silent and she couldn't bear to hear them speak. Kaidan's words had cut her deeply and her ears were bleeding for a kind word from him. She couldn't let it end this way.

"Kaidan!" she exclaimed, finally finding her feet. She raced after him, eyes alert, heart racing. "Kaidan!"

She came around the corner where he stood, missing him leaning back in the shadows. She scanned the space in front of her, trying to glimpse him in the distance.

"Kaidan!" she yelled, but before she could move, he grabbed her arm and pulled her into him.

He kissed her firmly, and all of the feelings of two years back came crashing back into his heart. No, not back… they'd never left. It was like the scarred box in his heart where he'd crammed all of his pain had opened up again and he realized he'd never stopped loving her.

"Shepard," he began, but she interrupted him with another fervent kiss.

"Kaidan, I tried," she said frantically, before he could refuse to hear her out. "I tried to contact you, but no one would help me—not even Anderson. I looked for you, but you were buried in top secret bull! I've been… bombarded by battles from the moment I woke up, but I never stopped thinking of you, thinking about how I could find you."

He gripped her shoulders and his mouth stuttered on invisible words not forming.

"Why Cerberus?" he wanted to know.

"They rebuilt me and… they were there. The Alliance turned their back on everything we did two years ago. The attack on the Citadel was geth? Sovereign, what, just didn't exist? You know that's not true!"

Kaidan shut his eyes, knowing how much that information circuit angered him.

"I thought about you every day…" she said. "And if you've moved on, I understand—"

"Shepard, don't," he said, still kicking himself for ever bringing it up. "I'm Alliance and… for all intensive purposes, you're Cerberus."

His heart clenched as the teardrops fell off her lashes and dripped down her cheeks.

"Be careful, Shepard," he said. He grabbed one last kiss, and looked back twice as he left.

/

Shepard's fingers had a slight tremble as she held the photo of Kaidan in her hands. Even though this was the new Normandy—the Cerberus Normandy—she'd put his picture up at her desk and found her eyes on it constantly. Of course she could focus on the mission, but in the downtime… in her private thoughts… she was tormented.

The blinking holo next to the picture frame drew her gaze for a moment. It was always there by his photo—the last thread of hope she allowed herself to carry. It was a record; she'd created a capture of their correspondence post-Horizon and placed it next to the photo of a memory she loved.

/

"There's a new message at your terminal, Commander," Yeoman Kelly told her as she walked out onto the command center from the Tech Lab. She nodded thanks to her assistant and walked over to her computer perched next to the galactic guiding network.

Shepard's heart somersaulted when she saw the correspondent.

Kaidan.

She opened the file immediately and began racing over the words. She read the letter three times before she truly understood the whole of it.

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. The days that followed… I never stop thinking about them. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

_-Kaidan_

Shepard shut her eyes tight and kept very still until her heart calmed and the pressure build-up under her cheeks had dissipated. There was still hope for them…

He still loved her.

/

Shepard put the photo down next to the blinking holo of his letter and walked down onto the main floor of her bedroom. She slumped against the wall and her head thumped against the metal. Her gaze went out of the window and she sighed at the black and at the million, scattered stars shooting by.

"Commander," Joker's voice broke over the comm. link. "We're approaching the relay."

"On my way, Joker," Shepard told him. She pushed off of the wall and headed out of her room and into the elevator.

It was time for business.

She punched the button and the winding sound somewhere in the walls closed the door and put the traveling compartment in motion. Before Shepard allowed herself to forget for awhile, she wondered why thoughts of Kaidan had so overwhelmed her in the past several hours. She was on an important mission to save the galaxy, so why were her emotions toying with her psyche?

One last memory hit her and the Dead-Eye opened again.

/

Shepard stumbled through the Collector base in the darkness of a dying station. Her wounds were numbed by medi-gel injections in her suit, but the blood loss was taking a toll on her consciousness.

"Commander, all survivors have made it back to the ship," Joker announced over the comm. link. "Hurry, get back to the Normandy!"

She wanted to respond, but didn't have the energy. Her shoulder hit the wall and she slid along it, using it as support as she inched down the hallway.

"Commander! Commander!" Joker called frantically. "Shepard, are you there?"

She pushed off of the wall to try to walk on her own, but something snapped and she couldn't control her muscles any longer. She could feel her body falling forward, eyes drifting closed.

Someone caught her, or maybe she was just imagining it.

"Shepard!" he exclaimed. "I got you. Hold on, stay with me."

"Kaidan?" she muttered. It was probably a dream, a hallucination. "Kaidan…"

He pulled her to her feet and pulled her close, arm wrapped tight across her shoulders to support her. He opened his omni-tool and scanned her for a detail of her wounds.

"We don't have much time…" he mumbled, disengaging the tool. She groaned and began falling, but he caught her just in time. "Shepard," he whispered. "Don't worry. It'll be alright… I'm right here with you."

"Kaidan…" she whispered. She wanted to see him, speak with him… even if this was a dream and he was just a hallucination. He was blurry, fading with her consciousness.

"I'm right here with you..."

/

The elevator doors opened and Shepard walked out onto the combat deck. She'd been severely injured while disabling the Collector base and it had put her out until now. She must've had a fever after hallucinating about him and that had triggered the memories.

She brushed her hair back from her face and rounded the corner. She stopped dead in her tracks and reached out for the wall, leaning into it and throwing her back against it for support.

There he was—Kaidan Alenko—standing in a blue Alliance standard issue uniform. He smiled when he saw her.

"You snuck out of the medical bay last night…" he said, eyes playfully observing her. "You were right, though. This is just like the old Normandy… well, minus a few upgrades." He motioned to the damages buzzing around her from the suicide run through the Omega 4.

"You're really here," she whispered and he nodded.

"I'm really here. I couldn't stay away…" He walked closer to her. "And since I'm technically still Alliance and you're Cerberus, we don't have to worry about regs keeping us apart." His smile faded. "I'm here for you, Shepard. I should've been here a lot sooner, and I'm sorry it took me so long."

"I love you," she said firmly, before she had the chance to regret not saying it again. He hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her close.

"I love you, too," he whispered against her lips. And then he kissed her.

It was real. He was real. Shepard slowly lifted her hands to hold him, nearly trembling inside. The nightmare was over.

They smiled at each other and Kaidan moved aside to let her by. He took her hand gently and, together, they made their way up to the bridge. The drell assassin Thane paused from his work repairing the hull breech and smiled at her. Legion, Jack, Mordin, and Grunt offered nods as they passed. At the end of the bridge, Garrus was smiling and Tali nodded in their direction. Miranda and Jacob grinned when they entered the cockpit.

Shepard didn't let go of Kaidan's hand when she took the datapad from Joker with the Reaper schematic displayed.

"Good to have you back, L-T," Joker said to Kaidan. "Thanks for bringing the Commander back safely."

"Good to be back," Kaidan said.

"Now, if you two are done busting holes in my ship and making out by the elevator, you think you can give us a hand with these repairs? We got Reaper activity headed for the Milky Way and you know they're going to need our help."

He sat back into his chair and turned to the console.

"Take us there," Shepard said. "We'll be ready."

"Hell," Kaidan began. "They couldn't do it without us."

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged glances and smiles one last time before they separated to do their part in ship reparations. Her strength, hope, and determination felt renewed somehow. Everything was going to be alright.


End file.
